[Domingo, Abril 29, 2007]

Hey ya... you who can sleep no longer.

Why is that so?

Who knows?

Maybe it was the heater which stayed on for more than five hours straight and being so the air inside the room got kind of stuffy, if you get what I mean... But, maybe, it was just the complications of strange feelings coming over and across, even in your sleep. And then you wake up, turn off the heater, readjust the poster that had fallen down from the wall and go to the toilet, spend there around one hour looking and analysing your pores, thinking and reconsidering if it would be good to dye your hair again, because by now it has not only the stains of your red times and discoloured hair on the tips of your purple times, but also some blond parts resulted from a trial with a black colourant. How a black paint ends up blond I don't know, do you? And the thought of having probably more three colours added to your hair just make you drop the subject.

But... Aren't you thinking now that wouldn't be too bad if you would cut your hair just above your shoulders and make a fringe and discolour all of it and dye it purple again, but this time all of it? Yes, you are. You feel like your wild times related to appearance has had an end, you feel old and boring, but you're only 18 and you are being a complete hippie. Why don't you go and try at least weed? Then buy a kombi, paint flowers all over it and take off the seats for you and your friends enjoy a little bit more of space. Oh yes, buy lsd and get wasted.

No, you cannot do it. All you can be are things that have had their time. And probably at the time you wouldn't be being those things, even though you may think so. Everybody were, why should you?

You are so much that you cannot have a fully label. Hippie, rocker, atheist... No, you are not any of these things, and at the same time: Oh yes, you fucking are!

People may say and think and believe so... People look for labels to give to everything and you cannot blame them for that, you're one of them, you feel the same. Why were you feeling bad yesterday? People look for certainty, like defining feelings and situations as you define a colour. Red is red, light red is orange, dark red is brown. Red is red? If you look closely not even the colours are that easily labeled. Look at a colour chart of a designer, a painter. Icy blue, deep blue, marine blue, indigo blue, aqua blue... People who really care about the details try to describe things accurately. Is not only blue, this blue here is different from that blue there, and so on.

Kid, stop trying to label things, I say. But the need had already got a seed in you and the tree by now is huge. You already grew up like this and you will try to name everything around and inside of you. At least name wisely, name it and understand it. Have a full introduction, main body, conclusion and bibliography to your theme, to your title. But make the conclusion opened for changes, good or bad they always come, nothing stops, kid, nothing.

You feel like these crazy type of nerds who believe themselves to be a writer, who sit in front of a computer with a mug of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. Cafeine and nicotine. Would you want this now? Oh yes, you would. You don't even drink coffee, but the moment asks for it. Instead, you had some chocolate, another mug of soup and a cigarette in the toilet, as you're not supposed to smoke inside your room, not even outside, not in these premises, but you do. Now you feel good because your roommate hasn't arrived yet, you can use the room. You can wake up in the middle of the night and do what you feel like not bothering if you're bothering somebody else.

Now you feel like smoking again, but you want menthol. I guess you will go for it. Let's see.#

...

Nah, you went to sleep.


14th of January, 2007.
Around five and six in the morning.
And then, ten.

por Laila Razzo *

[Quinta-feira, Abril 12, 2007]